One more day until Jodi leaves town. I’m really surprised at how upset I’m getting about it. I mean, she is a good friend and I will miss her a lot but it’s not like I’m never going to see her again. I’m walking around with a constant lump in my throat and just thinking about tomorrow brings tears to my eyes.

It really upsets me that Harrison’s best friend is leaving town. I’m pretty sure that he will have forgotten all about Wally before too long but I just feel really sad for him.

I lived in this town for years refusing to get close to anyone because it’s such a transient town and I didn’t want to make friends only to have them leave. But I was lonely, so I decided to bite the bullet and get out and about and make some new friends. Despite having been practically a hermit for the few previous years, I have always been a very social person so getting out there and meeting people wasn’t difficult for me. I was determined to make lots of friends so that when one left town I wouldn’t be devastated and lonely again. But guess what I’ve realised..It doesn’t matter how many friends you have, when I good one leaves you’re going to be just as upset as if they were your only friend in the world.

Jodi was really the first friend I made after I decided to put myself out there again and honestly she is the best new friend I have, if that makes any sense. I think what is amplifying the way that I’m feeling is that Jodi leaving symbolises failure in the theory I had created to protect myself from feeling this way. Still with me or am I rambling? Anyway, I can’t wait for tomorrow to be over so I can just deal with it and move on.

Love Kylie

33 today. I remember when I was a kid, we  went to my Uncle’s 33rd birthday and I thought he was so incredibly old. Haha, I almost want to apologise. Of course now he’s almost sixty which is actually old (she don’t tell him I said that).

No big surprises for me today because I ordered myself a birthday present last week, but I did have a lovely lunch out with the girls. My wonderful  sister baked me a carrot cake (my favourite) and my friends Jodi and Rain gave me some lovely perfume and earrings. My house looks like  bomb hit it and it can stay like that until tomorrow.  Harrison is asleep and every thing is quiet. What more can a girl ask for?

Love Kylie

That’s all I seem to have done the last couple of posts. But seriously that’s the way it’s been lately. As far as the kids situation goes, I think hormones were a major contributor to how I was feeling at the time. Things are looking much brighter now. Still the same old crap day in day out but I’m dealing with everything with a much better perspective than I was that week.

As far as friendships go, I’m ditching all the high maintenence ones. I just don’t need that in my life. It feels like being back at highschool with all the ‘He Said She Said Bullshit’ (name that band) and I’m tired of it.

This weekend the best friend I have in this town is leaving to move to the other side of the country. It happens all the time when you live in such a transient place but that doesn’t make it any easier. Harrison will also be losing his best friend. He’s going to miss Wally so much. We had a little going away party for them here on Saturday night. I have no idea when we’re going to see them again. It will be hard considering I’m used to seeing Jodi 3 or 4 times a week. What am I going to do with myself? Guess I’ll find out next week.

Love Kylie

Dear Friend,

Thank-you for a few years of wonderful friendship. For a long time now I have counted you among my closest friends but lately things are different. It seems that you have changed quite dramatically in the past few months. I don’t know you anymore or perhaps I never did.

Please understand how insulted I am by the fact that you honestly think you can confide in my sister and she won’t tell me. She is MY sister and tells me everything. You’ve known me for long enough now to know how much I hate being lied to yet you continue to do it and are naive enough to think I don’t know. You have always touted honestly and love to give your honest opinion   I would love to be completely honest with you about the way I feel but I have learnt from experience that you don’t take kindly to it.

I am absolutely disgusted that you would be so irresponsible as to take drugs into the bush and take them having never done it before, when there was no one to call on for help or to help care for your children if all didn’t go according to plan. You claim that your children are your world and you would do anything for them. So how about practicing what you preach. Stop spending money on frivolous things just to keep up with the Joneses and put it towards building them a happy and stable future.

If the reason you can’t seem to spend a weekend free of substance abuse is just because you want to have ‘fun’, then I say grow up and re-read the previous paragraph. If you can’t stand being sober because you can’t be happy that way, then do something to fix the demons in your head instead of trying to drown them out.

For so long I was willing to listen and willing to help but I’m done now. I’ll be back when you’re serious about helping yourself.

Yesterday I went to my first aerobics class in literally years. I’ve been wanting to make the effort to go for a while but the thought was a bit daunting but I promised a friend of mine (who is also one of the instructors) that I would make the effort. So yesterday morning I donned my best exercise gear and off I went.

Turns out it was a Step class. I’ve never felt more unco-ordinated in my life! But I did it. I stepped my  heart out for an hour. It’s going to take me a while to get the steps. I even fell over at one point when I missed the step but I didn’t care and just kept on going. Thankfully I was at the back so no-one got the privilege of having my big bum in their face. The point is I did it and it felt great. My foot is incredible sore today but I just can’t keep sitting around doing nothing so it’s just going to have to deal with it.

Love Kylie

I’m going to have a rant. I don’t do it that often but some days get you down you know. Well for me yesterday was a bad day. It started out like any other. I sit down with my cup of tea early in the morning before anyone else is awake and it’s so nice and peaceful. Then the first child wakes up, then the second and it begins. By the time the fourth child is up the peace that I had only a few moments earlier is all but forgotten and I can feel the anger rise from my core.

It will be 8 years in August since I chose Dan. When I chose him, I also chose his three small children, then 7, 5 and 3 years old. They welcomed me into their house and lives and to this day have never questioned my right to be there or my authority as a parent in their house. They had emotional issues from the break up of their parents and there are alot of things I could go into but won’t. I like to leave the past in the past, except of course, when it is affecting the present.

Lets fast forward to the present. We now have in our house a typical 15 year old hormonal girl who can throw a tantrum like I’ve never seen in my life from anyone other than her mother back in those raw emotional days, a 13 year old hormonal boy with the weight of the world on his shoulders. He is so negative and down most of the time he drags me down with him, and a 10 year old boy with Asperger’s who is difficult to deal with on a daily basis. Throw into the mix a feisty 2 1/2 year old who is fast learning his social behaviours from his much older siblings.

Sound pretty average so far? They are good kids. Everybody keeps telling me so. And to the outside world they are. They all do well in school and are polite and respectful towards other adults…….then they come home. I know that every child in the world will test the boundaries at home and that it’s perfectly normal and I can deal with the normal stuff because I’ve been there done that and find it easy to cut them some slack. But what everyone else doesn’t have the privilege of seeing is their hatefulness towards one another. These three children are so full of hate and disdain for each other it makes my stomach turn. There are situations on an almost daily basis that I just don’t know how to deal with anymore. I don’t know what works and the times when I really don’t care are merging closer and closer together.

I know I fought with my siblings growing up, especially my brother but it was just the usual sibling stuff and I honestly don’t remember exhibiting that much hatefulness towards each other. These kids barely say a kind word to each other, they have lost the ability to communicate with each other by any means other than grunting or yelling and I can’t stand the fact that Harrison is being brought up in such an hateful environment. It makes me sick that he is learning from that. He looks up to them and copies them and the last thing I want is for him to be anything like them. I’m not claiming total innocence. I am a yeller. I haven’t always been that way and I hate that I am that way but sometimes there’s just no other way to get through. It seems like that’s the only thing they’ll react to. Take yesterday afternoon for example, I asked Jesse to clean his  bedroom. Something no child likes to do I know. The conversation went something like this:

Jesse  – Can I go on the computer?

Me – Not until your room is tidy

Jesse – tears accompanied by all the ‘it’s not fairs’ under the sun

I walk away and Jesse follows me

Jesse – I have a sore throat

Me – then get a drink of water and go clean up your room please

Jesse – But I have a sore throat (starting to yell)

Me – You have a sore throat from screaming and crying, it won’t affect your arms, now please go and  clean up your room

Jesse -WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY ARMS? THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE

Me – you use your arms to pick up toys not your throat, go and clean up your room

Jesse – BUT……

Me – GET TO YOUR ROOM AND CLEAN IT UP AND DON’T COME OUT UNTIL IT’S DONE!

I know I shouldn’t have yelled I know there is probably a better way to handle it and do you know what, in the past I would have tried a few different methods first but I’m the first to admit that I’m at a loss. To say that my patience is wearing thin would be an understatement. I don’t like the person that I’ve become in regards to how I react to the children. What I can point out is how I asked him several times nicely, in a calm manner before I raised my voice. They don’t afford each other the same courtesy. The rare times like right now when the boys are playing happily together, I’m constantly on edge just waiting for inevitable screaming match.

Their sense of entitlment astounds me. I have no idea how we’ve managed to raise three such ungrateful people. Everybody likes to give their children more than what they had but we don’t go overboard. They certainly don’t have their own individual computers or mobile phones and the only game console we own is a PS2 much to their disgust.

Everybody is always commending me on what a wonderful job I’ve done and how lucky they were that I came into their lives but they don’t know how I feel on the inside. I don’t treat them any differently than Harrison and I don’t show favouritism other that the usual lenience that you would give a 2 year old over older children but the one major difference between the way that you feel for your own child as opposed to someone else’s is that the love I have for my step-kids is not unconditional. I wish more than anything that it was but it’s not.  And for a long time I’ve been struggling to find it. I want to know where those three small children that I loved so much have gone?

I have to admit that today has been a rare good day. Yesterday was the first time ever I had to pick up the keys and get away before I said something I would have regretted. The two older boys were at the end of the hall screaming at each other something minuscule, I was in the kitchen getting dinner ready and Harrison was in the lounge room looking down the hallway and screaming at the boys. Just copying his big brothers behaviour. I packed Harrison’s bag, grabbed the keys and left the house for a couple of hours. I’ve never done it before. But I had to go for the good of my sanity and for the good of my health. For the record, Dan was home so I didn’t leave them alone. I just couldn’t listen to it for one more second. I’m tired of being angry and tired of living in such an angry household.

I love Dan. I chose him and I choose him everyday over another life. Over taking Harrison away from his father. It would break my heart to leave him but a more the lure of a more peaceful life somewhere away from all this angst and craziness gets stronger all the time.

I’m tired of being taken for granted. I need things like my photography as an escape. Something that’s mine, away from all this. Dan gets upset because I hardly ever go to bed at the same time as he does anymore. I do miss it. I miss laying there having a cuddle and talking about nothing while we fall asleep but more than that I need time to myself. Before everyone is awake and after everyone goes to sleep are the only times I can completely relax.

It’s better during the day of course when Harrison is the only one here, but as it edges closer to the end of the school day my stomach is in knots waiting for the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs and I brace myself for the onslaught.

I’m losing my inspiration. I love to cook and have a fabulous new kitchen that I’ve hardly cooked anything creative in because I don’t want to do nice things anymore for people who don’t appreciate them. I’m my own worst enemy in many ways. Who wouldn’t come to expect certain things when they’ve always had them?

In a way I think I’m resentful of my step-kids. I resent that I’ve given them the best of me and now because of the stress that they’ve given me, I don’t have as much left to give to my own son. In the grand scheme of things he is a fourth child and no fourth child that I know has been given the same amount of attention as the first, second or third born. He may be the fourth child in this family but he’s my first and I want to be able to give him everything and I can’t do that. Don’t get me wrong, he’s certainly not wanting for anything but playing with him and cooking with him and taking him places just for him feels like such a chore and those are things that I eagerly did for the other kids.

I’m going to stop now because if I keep going it’s just going to be more of the same. There are a million tiny things I could whinge about but there’s no point really. It’s not going to change anything. I just need to make my choice every day and deal with life as it comes.

It’s a long story so let me start from the beginning. A few weeks ago, I went to see the Dr. about a sore foot. Turns out I’ve damaged a ligament which is still giving me trouble but that’s beside the point. While I was there she checked my blood pressure and it was alarmingly high. She told me to come back in a fortnight to have it checked again. It was still alarmingly high. Of course the first thing she mentioned was my weight but considering I’ve always been overweight and never had problems with high blood pressure including during my pregnancy, she seemed to think it wasn’t so much weight related and wanted to go searching for other causes. This had me freaking out just a little bit since she was talking heart/kidney/liver problems, possible thyroid problems, the list goes on. So I was scheduled for some blood and urine tests and an ECG.

Now to someone who’s been in and out of the Dr’s office all their lives that might not seem like much, but to me, someone who avoids the Dr’s office as much as I can, the idea of the tests alone was cause for palpitations. I’m a worrier by nature and now with my high blood pressure I’m stressing out about what they’re going to find. That’s just great isn’t it? Test day comes, I’m struggling to keep my heart in my chest, then just for shits and giggles I have to get half naked for the nurse to stick those sticky things all over me and believe me they are really bloody sticky! Me half naked covered in sticky dots – a sight to behold I assure you. I couldn’t believe how fast it was over and she tells me it looks fine. FINE!! Weehee, I’m not dying of a heart attack tonight!! But I still have to wait another week for the results of the bodily fluids tests.

Today was the day. The results were in. I nervously made my way down the hall to the Dr’s office and sat down on the chair, waiting to recieve the news that I was doomed but guess what, for a fat chick i’m doing pretty good. I still have the blood pressure issue and of course I have to lose weight so I’m back on that bandwagon and I’m hopeful but,

• Kidney and liver function – fine
• Thyroid function – fine
• Hormone levels – fine
• Blood sugar – fine

and here’s the kicker

• cholesterol levels -great!

I thought for sure my days of Sunday morning bacon and eggs were over but nope. She said the overall level was good and the balance was very nice good cholesterol up, bad cholesterol down etc. ‘So you must be eating the right kinds of foods just too much of them’

Me – ‘well yes Doctor I did tell you that last time we discussed my weight, but I guess everyone says that don’t they’

Dr – ‘they do, and then we get these test results back and go weeeellll’

But not me, no siree. I was very glad to be proven truthful. I’ve started on medication for the blood pressure issue which feels horrible considering I’m only almost 33 but hopefully if I get the weight down it will improve somewhat. Doc doesn’t seem so certain. She thinks it’s most likely hereditary and I’ll be on the medication for life. I hope to prove her wrong because quite frankly, I’m stubborn. And I hate taking tablets!

Love Kylie

Lets start with the good stuff shall we. Renovations baby!!!

First a few before shots

The opening that you see at the end of the kitchen in this pic is where the entrance to the kitchen still is

Please note the dust gathering clutter on top of the cupboards.Now here’s the opposite sideThe entry door that you see at the end of the kitchen in this next picture is no longer there. We closed that end off so the kitchen now only has one entranceThese chocolate muffins were the last things I ever baked in that crappy old ovenNow for the good stuff!This is looking towards where the entry door used to beWe don’t have splashback or new paint yet but check out all my cupboard space especially the cupboards to the ceiling. I’m very excited to be able to hide everything away. Looking towards the same end on the opposite sideDid you notice the new floor? The whole house is like that now, Now more horrible smelly germ and dust collecting carpet. I have to say I’ve noticed my allergies have almost completely gone since they tore up the carpet. Looking from the kitchen towards the living areaand the living area toward the kitchenI seriously need to move that bin. Just because I had to, here’s one of my new cooktop and oven. Gas cooktop, electric oven, a dream come trueAnd of course the first thing I baked. That’s it for the renovations for now. I’ll be sure to post photos when it’s completely finished. For now would you settle for some pretty scenery?

Here’s what I mean about the sunsets where we campThe sunrises aren’t bad eitherUnfortunately you can’t swim in the ocean because of these nasty crittersThat one got a bit too close for comfort while we were fishing one day. They have a turtle rehabilitation area. Luckily we know the Ranger personally and he was kind enough to let the kids come down at feeding time. Ethan got to hold this young Green Sea Turtle that had been rescued after being found tangled in fishing nets. Like I said, the good times were good. But all good things must come to an end. And then there’s thisChicken pox day 2 (today was day 4). His whole torso looked like this and we thought that was bad. They literally doubled overnight and again last night. I still have pics on my camera from yesterday. He wouldn’t let me take any photos of his face. I really hope the multiplying is over. Surely there can’t be any more to come. I don’t know where they’d fit.

Sorry about the long post but I did say I had lots of photos for you. I’d have many many more if I was still adding photo shoot photos here. I’ve had a few sessions since I last updated here. Check out the newborn section on my website if you’ve got nothing better to do.

Right now, I’m off to bed.

Love Kylie

I’m uploading photo’s as I type because I have so many to share.  We’ve had a very full few weeks. First off, a belated Happy Easter to everyone who celebrates it. Ours started off wonderfully but quickly progressed into an all out brawl between a 10 year old and a 2 year old over an attempted chocolate egg robbery. The robbery was the thwarted  by a lightening fast 10 year old who dove over the back of the lounge so save said egg from the two year old, knocking it out of his hands in the process and smashing it to smitherines all over my new floor. Turns out the 13year old who actually owned said egg wasn’t too impressed. The 10 year old was even less impressed that he had to give up one of his eggs to replace the one destroyed by his actions. And so begins a day like any other……….. Oh well the happiness and excitement was nice while it lasted however brief it may have been.

After the Easter weekend we left on our tradition Easter School Holidays camping trip. We normally go for a week and try to be there for the Easter Weekend but mother nature was against us this year and we had to wait out some wet weather and leave a few days late. So we headed off on Easter Monday, intending to stay until Saturday. We ended up coming home one day early because of a sick 2 year old, much to the delight of an hormonal 15 year old who the previous day had thrown the mother of all tantrums because she wanted to go home. I tell you I’ve never seen anything like it. At least three hours (zero exaggeration) of screaming and crying and threatening all sorts of weird and wonderful things if we didn’t take her home. In the end she found herself grounded and without phone for the remainder of the holidays and eventually she got the message that we weren’t backing down and decided to make the most of the rest of her time there. The good times were good, the bad times weren’t. Between sick and screaming children the sandflies and wet weather we would have been better off staying at home this year, but how could we break tradition? Plus the glorious sunsets almost make the whole thing worth it. Such a beautiful place. Photos to come when they eventually finish uploading.

I’ve been investing a lot of time lately getting my photography business off the ground so I’m very excited about that. Here’s the website and link to a blog I’ve started purely dedicated to my photography and just in case you’re interested you can even facebook fan me. Aside from all of that I’m still doing daycare 4 days a week and taking the social pages photos for the paper. As you can imagine I’ve barely had time to scratch myself.

To top it all off Ethan (the previously mentioned 13 year old) currently has the chicken pox. Now this kid does drama as good as any soap star at the best of times and the poor boy has got it pretty bad so life has been a barrel of fun. Today is chicken pox day 4 so we should be on the downhill slide and hopefully won’t have to witness him throw himself to the floor crying ‘why me’ too many more times before he starts to feel better.

That’s us in a nutshell. My photos are still uploading so I’m going to sign off for now and watch Bones while I wait. I’ll be back with a post dedicated entirely to photos. Of course I’m including renovation photos. On a positive not, I am in LOVE with my new kitchen.

Back soon

Love Kylie

Kitchen renovations start today!!!!!!!!!!!! Goodbye horrible old 70′s kitchen, hello chaos and new kitchen. I need a little jumping up and down emoticon. Not only is the kitchen starting today, but on Sunday the carpet is being ripped up in preparation for the new flooring. It’s all happening around here.

So it’s going to be a week of madness with the renovations and preparing for our week long camping trip over Easter but at least when It’s all said and done I will be coming home to a brand new kitchen and floor.

I’m so excited, so excited, so excited!!!!

Can you tell I’m excited?

Love Kylie